Birthday Pictures

On my birthday, I requested that my friends, acquaintances and perfect strangers send me pictures.  I love photography so very much and I love stories even more and have requested pictures and the stories behind them multiple times over my life.  I'm finally starting to go through my birthday presents and am sharing them now.

This is from an improvisor friend who said that he loved this picture of himself because it was an early indication of his love of play and creativity. Rock on, my friend.  Rock on.

Mary Poppins

At some point during every Christmas I spend at home, I inevitably pick up one or more Mary Poppins books and binge read.  This time, I was struck by a passage from Mary Poppins Comes Back.  In it, the newborn Annabel talks to a starling:


"I am earth and air and fire and water.
I come from the Dark where all things have their beginning.
I come from the sea and its tides.
I come from the sky and its stars, I come from the sun and its brightness.
And I come from the forests of the earth.
Slowly I moved at first, always sleeping and dreaming. I remembered all I had been and I thought of all I shall be. And when I had dreamed my dream I awoke and came swiftly.
I heard the stars singing as I came and I felt warm wings about me. I passed the beasts of the jungle and, came through the dark, deep waters. It was a long journey." - P.L. Travers

The starling chides her and says that she will never remember all of this as she grows.  No human can.  Sure enough, she forgets.  But at this closing of the year, as we assess our paths and map out our futures, let us all remember that we came from the Dark where all things have their beginning.  Let us all remember all we have been and think of all we shall be.  May we all feel warm wings about us.

Blessings

As an actor, I tend to have a flurry of shows that occupy my thoughts and take up a certain amount of energy.  The scripted shows have been painstakingly memorized and prepared for and the improvised ones have been dutifully orchestrated.  When I show up, though, I simply perform.  Somehow, the preparation, the struggle and the weight of everything is not foremost on my mind.  I just go to the theatre and do my job.

These last few days before my holiday break have shown me a different side of performance, though.  The side of the director and teacher.  I have three shows in three days where my role has been to prepare my cast to shine as bright as they can in front of standing room only crowds.  I have worked with each ensemble for months and these shows have been the culmination of their extraordinary dedication.  After last night's show, I was exhausted.  After tonight's show, I was exhausted.  After tomorrow's show, I expect to be annihilated.

What I didn't fully realize (until having three of these shows back to back) was how much I invest in each of the shows I direct/teach.  I live and die by every individual's performance on that stage.  When one of my cast/students have a "win" onstage, I celebrate.  When I see them before the show and their face says "I am scared," I agonize with them.  My job at these times is to make these brave actors ready for their journey to the stage.  I would sooner cut off an appendage than have one of my performers feel unsure.  If I somehow let a class/cast go onstage not feeling like they will OWN that performance, I have failed.

So, for the past few days, I've been totally wiped out.  I swear to god, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Beijos

In 2008, I assistant directed an Augusto Boal play (the world English language premiere of said play, but I digress...into self aggrandization, apparently) and was exposed to many different aspects of the Brazilian theatrical culture.  On the heels of that production, I sort of kind of desperately wanted to visit Brazil.  One day, in front of a few professors and some students, I said as much.  Timidly, and with no real conviction, but I DID say it. Within a matter of a couple of weeks, I was being shepherded through the process of applying for a travel grant that would allow me to go to Brazil, introduced to Augusto Boal (then a Nobel Peace Prize nominee) and just happened to find a street map of Rio de Janeiro at a book store on sale.  About a week after THAT, I got the grant.  I said I wanted to go and, before I knew it, I was going.  Brazil just kind of happened to me. I won't bother with a travelogue as I've talked about my first trip to Rio before but, suffice it to say, it was magnificent.  I loved Rio more than just about anything.

This year, I happened to read a post on a Facebook page about a South American Improv festival to be held in Rio de Janeiro. On a whim, I replied to the post, saying how much I'd like to visit Rio and be part of this festival.  A couple of months later, while eating lunch in Maine, my phone buzzed. One of my lunch companions said "What happened to make you smile like that?!" I put the phone down.  "I'm going to Brazil.  I get to go to Brazil again." My most recent trip to Rio is another post for another day, but it, too, was magnificent.  Life-changing and brilliant and inspiring and RICH.

It seems magical.  It seems like all I've had to do in the past is whisper how much I'd like to visit Rio de Janeiro and the universe rouses itself to bring all of its best luck and happenstance to bear. On the off chance that this may be true, consider this my standing whisper, universe:  I want to go back to Rio.  I will always want to go back to Rio.  You just let me know when.

Malignant

One thing I hate is the terminology surrounding a person's death from cancer.  Do not say that they lost their battle with cancer.  That is a lie.  Did their cancer live after their own body's death?  No, of course not.  Therefore, they did not "lose."  Their fight may have been a suicide mission, however.

Playing Like a Coach

Let's start out with a piece of information that might seem kind of superfluous at first blush: On Saturdays in the fall, I get REAL southern. I am a University of Georgia football fan with all of the insane zeal of the newly converted.  Ask me to talk about Knowshon Moreno in the brilliant 2008 Sugar Bowl season and I'mma light up like a Christmas tree.  Oh, and if you're a masochist, say the name "Tebow" in my presence and just see what that gets you.   UGA and SEC football are my fall obsessions. I. AM. INVESTED.

So, why am I bringing this up now, other than the fact that it's football season and shit like this video makes me cry with my hand over my heart while singing "Glory, Glory to Old Georgia"? Why indeed...

Flash back to 2009, when Matt Stafford entered the NFL draft, leaving UGA's QB position open to Joe Cox.  It was...not a good season. Cox seemed uniquely good at throwing interceptions.  After the Sugarbowl season of 2008, I wasn't ready for my favorite team to suck so hard.  I was livid.  I went so far as to tell my Florida alumni friends that they had a better team that year.  It was THAT bad.  One day, after a dismal game full of interceptions, I listened to a post-game interview of Cox.  The interviewer asked Cox what his plans were after UGA -- was he going to choose to enter the NFL draft?  Cox replied that his ultimate career goal was to hopefully be a coach.  I believe I remember screaming at that point.  Screaming "THAT'S WHY YOU SUCK!  YOU'RE PLAYING LIKE A COACH! EVERY OTHER JERK OUT THERE IS PLAYING LIKE THEY'RE GONNA BE IN THE NFL! AND YOUR GREATEST CAREER GOAL IS TO HAVE A RECEDING HAIRLINE AND WEAR DOCKERS!"

After a recent Saturday game, my husband reminded me of the time in my household when we spit on the ground after saying Joe Cox's name. I laughed because, well, Aaron Murray and Todd Gurley.  But then I gasped in horror. I was the Joe Cox of my life.

I was playing like a coach.

I am an actor.  I love being an actor.  I am a teacher.  I love being a teacher.  I am, at the moment, auditioning for a lot of work for me as an actor.  I am also applying to a metric butt-ton of academic positions for me as a teacher.  Somewhere, though...  Somewhere along the line, I stopped being 100% an actor in auditions and 100% a teacher in my job applications.  I was teaching like an actor and acting like a teacher.  In no particular moment of my professional life was I 100% the person that was asked of me at that moment.  While sitting in the waiting room of an audition, I was thinking about the class I was going to teach that night or how I needed this job so much.  Consequently, when I went into that audition room, I wasn't doing my job as an actor, I was worried about a thousand other things.  I was concerned about GETTING the job, not DOING my job.  In applying for jobs at various universities around the country, I wasn't completely focused on submitting the best portfolio I possibly could. In every opportunity where I was called upon to step up and show what I've got, I hedged my bets.  I was thinking about my fallback options when I SHOULD have been thinking about being the best possible iteration of myself in that particular moment.  I was anticipating failure.

I was playing like a coach.

Not surprisingly, it hasn't worked out so good for me, either as an actor or as an academic. What encourages me is this:  the UGA team of 2009 is in the rearview and this year's team is exciting and wild and weird and winning.  It is never too late to stop being half who you were meant to be in any given situation.  I am not half a teacher and half an actor...  Half the time, I am 100% an actor and the other half, I am 100% a teacher. I will not be the Joe Cox of my own destiny.

Let's be real

I was in the middle of a very insightful HuffPo article when I had to stop and compose this blog entry.  Why?  Because it was literally the fifth piece I've read this week about image crafting.  We all do it.  Shit, this blog is part of my own image crafting.  There may be people out there in the world who have looked at my Facebook profile or my website and felt like somehow my life is better or more interesting than theirs. It is not.  And I feel kind of gross for embedding those links, just so you know.

Here's what we should all remember about Facebook: it is not an accurate representation of someone's life.  Facebook is a self-curated highlight reel.  Those Facebook pages that business owners and actors set up (because an actor is a small-business owner, do not make ANY mistake about that) are even MORE oriented to the "greatest hits" mentality.  Seriously, has any fan page you've liked on Facebook ever posted something less than stellar about their business?  One business page I liked did this once and it made me feel uncomfortable as hell.  So just know that when you're reading your friends' pages and getting wicked jealous, they are very likely doing absolutely nothing exciting, important or cool at all.  In fact, you might be reading someone's blog at the very moment they are sitting in their living room in elastic waist pants picking their nose and waiting for their take-out dinner to get delivered (ahem).

So, I'mma be real.  This is a picture I took of myself that I like very much.  Here's why it succeeds:  I was lying on my back to get a gravity face-lift, the lighting is soft, I am wearing so much makeup a kabuki actor would find it "a bit over-the-top," and you can't see my hair which is frizzy and weird.

Cute, eh?  Well, here's me, making a face at a friend of mine on the train.

So, image crafting be damned, at least for the time being.  I have take-out to eat.