Stupid, stupid, stupid...

In the middle of an existential crisis of epic proportions three years ago, I solo hiked the West Face of Cadillac Mountain in Acadia National Park.  Dumbest.  Idea.  Ever.

First of all, I was emotionally fragile.  Don't hike alone when you'd rather be writing Loreena McKennit lyrics in your journal and artfully weeping.  You will be sorry.  Second of all, it was raining. Very few hikes are good in the rain as most mountains tend to get wicked slippery and anthropomorphically hateful when wet.  Third of all, I told people I was hiking a different mountain.  If you solo hike, you MUST tell SOMEONE where the fuck you'll be if only so they can identify your broken, moose-gnawed body when you meet with tragedy.  Fourth of all, I thought I was a better hiker than I actually AM.

Suffice it to say, in '09, I found myself crawling up the side of the tallest mountain in Acadia National Park, weeping and humming to myself.  At the top of the mountain, I noticed my hands were bleeding. I couldn't stop shaking.  I have nightmares about that trail to this day.

A normal person would have stopped hiking, or at least have curtailed their solo hikes.  I am not normal.  For the past three years, I have been stepping out in the early hours of summer days to drive into the park and hike something.  I hiked Penobscot and Sargent: Lovely.  I hiked Pemetic: Gorgeous.  I hiked the North face of Cadillac and Dorr Mountain: Majestic.  I hiked South Bubble, North Bubble and Connor's Nubble:  Ubble-y.  In short, I was determined that my initial mistake was not the measure of me.

Today, I set out on another solo hike.  I went up Huguenot Head to Champlain Mountain via the Beachcroft Trail and down via the Bear Brook Trail.  IT WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE!  I am so used to hiking paths that are lined with trees so that you're not actually aware of your altitude until you reach the summit.  Huguenot Head was like a series of staircases without a railing where you could plummet to your death at any moment.  I told myself "You can just turn back if you want to.  Don't be proud."  Myself answered back "No way in hell.  It'll just be scarier on the way back down."  I scaled Huguenot Head and scrambled up some rudimentary stairs on the way to Champlain.  And then I faced my worst fear ever....  What the guide book listed as a "very steep climb over smooth rock."  What that means is that you're a bajillion feet in the air, walking on a surface as smooth as glass and that surface is at a 65% angle.  And there's nothing but smooth rock around you.  No trees.  No rocks.  If you slip, you will plummet a BAJILLION FEET to your death.

As I do in all tense situations, I started singing.  It was 16 bar tune with a rudimentary melody.  The lyrics varied with my fear.  Most of it was "Oh god, please keep me from dying of hubris."  I sang and I sang as I crouch-ran across smooth rock from cairn to cairn.  Finally, the ground evened out and I saw the signpost that marked the summit.  I threw my arms in the air in victory.  I was safe!  Nothing would be scary from here on out!  YES!

I took a picture of the signpost at the summit, smug in the notion that I had conquered my fears.  I was happy.  I was validated.

I was wrong.

As soon as I turned away from the sign marking the summit, I noticed that all around me, the land sank away at alarming angles towards the ocean.  I meekly consulted my guide book and headed toward the path for my descent only to see a rock cairn (a trail marker), poised on the edge of a horrific ledge that seemed to drop off into nothingness, marking the trail I was supposed to take.  The wind blew.  I staggered and almost fell.  I inched toward the cairn to see if I could make it past the cairn and advance down.  The drop behind the cairn was precipitous, so I did the only thing that I could on that bald face of rock a thousand feet in the air:  I sat down and scooted along the rock on my butt.

I scooted along for maybe three tenths of a mile.  That may not sound like much, but just TRY it.  It is an eternity. I spent the better part of my time on Champlain Mountain looking like a poodle with parasites.  Finally, the ground leveled out some and I could resume my previous simian crouch to navigate the trail.

I kept singing my idiot song as I scooted and crab-walked down the mountain.  Verses included lyrics such as "When I have children, I hope they have better impulse control that I do." or "Don't let me die here, God, because I'm pretty sure that my husband would screw up my funeral."  I was singing, full-voice, when a couple of hikers came out of the trees in front of me to head up the treacherous trail I had been scooting down.  If I were a more modest person, I suppose I would say that I was embarrassed by the fact that strangers caught me in the middle of singing my "brave song" while sliding on my butt.  Since I was so focused on survival, though, I'm pretty sure those nice folks think they ran into a mentally disturbed person hiking down Bear Brook Trail today.

Suffice it to say, I made it back in one piece.  I hated almost every minute of that hike, though.  And I hate that I hated it.  By this point (eight years into exploring Acadia National Park), I should know what I love and what I hate.  I should know to avoid steep climbs over sheer stone.  I should know that I fucking hate anything with a dramatic view because that usually means you're hanging on by your fingernails off the side of a cliff to enjoy that view. I SHOULD know that my time is valuable and is not to be spent on something that is destructive, terrifying and horrible.

Ultimately, that's the lesson I SHOULD have learned in '09, before I let myself be emotionally beaten down enough to think I deserved to hike the West Face of Cadillac in the rain.

Don't hike what you think you deserve, hike what you love.

Cash 4 Rights

I have been unbelievably fortunate to know a progressive, funny and inspirational young woman named Kate Lambert.  She is a creative whirlwind and a genuinely kind and gracious person.  She made this video, which made me laugh and made me think.  Please enjoy and please share.

Cash 4 Rights

Love and loss

To be human is to master the art of losing...  Though we live in an incomparably connected society, there are still those amongst our friends who slip through the cracks.  We may be connected to the boy that we had an immense crush on when we were six years old and playing in the corn bin in nursery school, but we may lose touch with the person who laughed with us until we cried just last week over dinner.  We may feel lucky to walk inside our homes and lay hands on the people that we love the best in the world, but still feel a pang for comrades whose lives have drifted away from us over the years. 

This is what I will say about the friends that I still am connected to:  They are amazing.  They are changing the world.  They are strong.  They are facing challenges that are unfair.  They are incomparably filled with grace.  They are warriors.  They are an inspiration.

For those of my friends that I have lost over the years, I hope that your lives are filled with grace and peace.  Would that I would be so fortunate to reconnect with you again, sometime.  For those of my friends that I am still connected to, I promise, to the depth of my being, not to lose you.  You are remarkable and my life is infinitely richer for knowing you.