Blessings

As an actor, I tend to have a flurry of shows that occupy my thoughts and take up a certain amount of energy.  The scripted shows have been painstakingly memorized and prepared for and the improvised ones have been dutifully orchestrated.  When I show up, though, I simply perform.  Somehow, the preparation, the struggle and the weight of everything is not foremost on my mind.  I just go to the theatre and do my job.

These last few days before my holiday break have shown me a different side of performance, though.  The side of the director and teacher.  I have three shows in three days where my role has been to prepare my cast to shine as bright as they can in front of standing room only crowds.  I have worked with each ensemble for months and these shows have been the culmination of their extraordinary dedication.  After last night's show, I was exhausted.  After tonight's show, I was exhausted.  After tomorrow's show, I expect to be annihilated.

What I didn't fully realize (until having three of these shows back to back) was how much I invest in each of the shows I direct/teach.  I live and die by every individual's performance on that stage.  When one of my cast/students have a "win" onstage, I celebrate.  When I see them before the show and their face says "I am scared," I agonize with them.  My job at these times is to make these brave actors ready for their journey to the stage.  I would sooner cut off an appendage than have one of my performers feel unsure.  If I somehow let a class/cast go onstage not feeling like they will OWN that performance, I have failed.

So, for the past few days, I've been totally wiped out.  I swear to god, I wouldn't have it any other way.